HELL’S NEWSROOM: TULSI GABBARD’S YOGA ESPIONAGE STRETCHES INTELLIGENCE INTO THE FUTURE
By Ashford Cinderputin, Ambassador of Chaos
Tulsi Gabbard, Hell’s newly appointed Director of National Intelligence, has turned traditional espionage on its head—into a perfect downward dog. Unveiling her revolutionary program, Yoga Espionage, Gabbard declared that the future of intelligence lies not in satellites or encryption, but in mindfulness, meditation, and what she calls “vibrational awareness.”
“The best intelligence doesn’t come from satellites—it comes from within,” Gabbard proclaimed, balancing in a warrior pose while reporters adjusted to her yoga pants, which read: Namaste, But Watch Your Back.
Under Gabbard’s leadership, spies will begin every mission with 12 hours of meditation to “intuit threats” via their third eye. Negotiations with foreign leaders will kick off with synchronized sun salutations, and all intelligence briefings will now include deep-breathing exercises. Forget encrypted emails—agents will transmit messages through “vibrational communication.”
Hell’s intelligence motto has even been updated to match Gabbard’s approach: Inhale Threats, Exhale Solutions.
Ashford Cinderputin Reacts
Folks, this isn’t just intelligence—it’s genius! Why waste money on cyberwarfare when you can breathe your way to victory? Sure, skeptics may wonder how downward dog stops cyberattacks, but that’s the beauty of it. THIS IS PROGRESS!!”
Attempting a tree pose live on air, I toppled into a pile of chakra charts. Picking myself up, I exclaimed: “Oops! Guess I need more breathing practice!”
So here’s to Gabbard, the new face of intelligence—stretching Hell into the future, one pose at a time.
THIS. IS. PROGRESS!!