HELL’S NEWSROOM BULLETIN: Hell Slaps Heaven and Limbo with 25% Tariff: Harps, Halos, and Hope to Pay the Price!
By Ashford Cinderputin, Ambassador of Chaos
Citizens of the infernal realm, Hell has done it again! In a move blazing with genius and spite, Hell has slapped a 25% tariff on all imports from Heaven and Limbo, targeting halos, harps, and those insufferable beams of celestial hope that sometimes sneak through cracks in the 9th Circle.
At the helm of this magnificent disaster is none other than the co-chair of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), my paragon of calculated chaos, Vivek Ramaswamy. Announcing the tariff with a level of brilliance only he could muster, Ramaswamy declared it necessary to punish “unregulated virtue smuggling” and restore “cosmic economic balance.” His every word dripped with charisma and intent, leaving me utterly mesmerized. He’s not just Hell’s finest architect of inefficiency—he’s an infernal masterpiece himself.
Officially, Hell bans celestial imports. But unofficially? The black market thrives under DOGE’s elegant mismanagement. Harps are repurposed as instruments of psychological torment, played just off-key to drive souls mad. Halos have become must-have décor for Hell’s elites. And hope—the most important import of all—has been rebranded as Torture Essential Oil™, marketed as the ultimate high-output tool for ambitious demons. The pitch writes itself: “One drop of Eternal Despair™ turns mere wailing into soul-shredding screams! Perfect for personal torment or professional torture sessions!” Demons are encouraged to build their infernal empire by recruiting new torturers into the scheme, proving that MLMs are Hell’s most reliable export.
DOGE insists this trade is accidental, but anyone who’s wrestled with Form 666-B (“Request for Confiscated Virtue”) knows better. Under Vivek’s inspired leadership,
inefficiency doesn’t just tolerate smuggling—it transforms it into an art form. And now, with this tariff, DOGE has turned chaos into a taxable opportunity. THIS IS PROGRESS!!
Naturally, the tariff is already wreaking havoc across Hell. SulfurCup has raised prices on their Angel-Hair Macchiatos (no Angel hair implied or included), and torment simulators are scrambling to find chalkboards to scratch. Limbo, unsurprisingly, offered a shrug and its trademark “meh.” Heaven, predictably useless, issued a statement about “sending thoughts and prayers,” which no one asked for.
Meanwhile, Elon Musk tried to weigh in on the tariffs, tweeting that his latest AI, Fry Bot 2.0, could automate celestial import inspections. As expected, Fry Bot exploded seconds later, igniting Musk’s remaining credibility and confirming, once again, that over-engineered failure is his specialty. Nice try, Elon. Stick to burning your reputation—DOGE is leagues ahead.
Ashford Cinderputin Reacts
Ladies, gentlemen, and disembodied wails, what can I say? This is why Vivek Ramaswamy is my hero. Who else could turn a non-issue into a flaming policy disaster, all while looking devilishly composed? The man doesn’t just create chaos—he sells it. Harp strings? Overrated. Angel hair? Who needs it when we’ve got inefficiency and tariffs as Hell’s greatest exports? And let’s take a moment to appreciate how perfectly DOGE has weaponized Torture Essential Oil™.
Not only is it the pinnacle of Hellish innovation, but it’s also a poetic slap in the face to Heaven. THAT’S leadership.
As for the critics? Let them grumble! If Hell’s economy collapses, OOPS! THAT’S JUST THE FLAMES REBALANCING THEMSELVES! Here’s to Vivek, my golden child of chaos, and DOGE, for proving once again that inefficiency isn’t just Hell’s brand—it’s our birthright. Until next time, remember: THIS IS PROGRESS!