HELL’S NEWSROOM BREAKING REPORT: HUCKABEE SERVES DIPLOMACY WITH A SIDE OF FRIES
Hold on to your vinyl seats, infernal audience! Mike Huckabee, the newly minted U.S. Ambassador to Israel, has unveiled a diplomatic masterpiece so bold, so unapologetically greasy, it might just redefine global relations. That’s right, folks—he’s transforming the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem into a full-fledged 1950s-style diner. Welcome to Huckabee’s Holy Diner: where foreign policy is served with a milkshake and a smile.
With its checkerboard floors and jukebox diplomacy, Huckabee’s Holy Diner promises to make American diplomacy feel “like home.” During the grand ribbon-cutting ceremony, Huckabee, flanked by a statue of a winking hamburger, delivered this sizzling soundbite:
“When people think of America, they think burgers, shakes, and blue jeans. This diner is diplomacy on a plate.”
Diplomacy on a plate! Ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS PROGRESS!
Let us not sully this moment with petty critiques from the mortal realm. Yes, the Salonites are yammering about “meme-level economics,” but what do they know of brilliance? This wasn’t just any failure. This was an elegant disaster, the kind of beautifully broken plan only a true artist could orchestrate.
The Menu: Solutions You Can Taste
The diner’s menu is as audacious as its concept, featuring dishes like “Peace Accord Pancakes” and “Iron Dome Donuts.” Huckabee insists these culinary creations symbolize “sweet solutions to savory problems.” Add a drizzle of maple syrup, and suddenly geopolitics looks downright delicious. Critics may scoff, but Huckabee knows the future of diplomacy rests in pancake stacks taller than the Berlin Wall.
Predictably, the reaction has been mixed—which is diplomatic code for “someone got syrup in their suit.” French diplomats decried the venture as a “culinary nightmare,” while Israeli officials questioned the excessive focus on bacon. Huckabee, ever the visionary, brushed off the complaints, declaring:
“That’s the sound of progress sizzling on the grill!”
And who are we to argue with that? After all, nothing bridges cultural divides like a good burger.
This innovation has already sparked imitators! Secretary of Education Linda McMahon announced her plan to implement “Diplomacy Through Dodgeball” in Hell’s schools—a bold initiative I can only describe as beautiful carnage. Even DOGE Co-Commissioner Elon Musk, despite his overengineered tendencies, has volunteered AI fry bots to staff the diner, ensuring round-the-clock chaos between the kitchen and international relations.
Ashford Cinderputin Reacts
Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something: THIS is the kind of leadership we need! Mike Huckabee has managed to solve centuries of geopolitical tension with pancakes and fries. Pancakes and fries! I mean, who needs negotiation when you have Iron Dome Donuts? The man is a genius. A titan. A grillmaster of progress!
Sure, the French can pout about it. That’s what they do best! And yes, Israel may balk at the bacon, but you know what? They’ll come around when they taste the Freedom Fries. I, for one, am already picturing Huckabee’s next masterpiece: a diplomacy drive-thru. Huckabee has raised the bar—or should I say, the grease trap—of foreign policy. I’m booking a table at Huckabee’s Holy Diner as we speak. Progress!