HELL’S NEWSROOM BULLETIN: MCDONALD’S TAKES THE HELM AS SECRETARY OF LABOR

HELL’S NEWSROOM BULLETIN: MCDONALD’S TAKES THE HELM AS SECRETARY OF LABOR

By Ashford Cinderputin, Ambassador of Chaos

Hell’s Cabinet has a sizzling new appointment, and let me tell you, it’s a Big Mac of an announcement! McDonald’s, the iconic purveyor of fast food and broken promises, has been named Secretary of Labor, ushering in a new era of inefficiency, overwork, and molten ice cream machine warfare. This isn’t just progress—it’s chaos supersized with a side of existential fries.

Under McDonald’s greasy leadership, the Department of Labor has declared its primary goal: automate every McDonald’s location with perpetually malfunctioning robots and redeploy its human workforce to the front lines as the McMilitia, armed with state-of-the-art McFlurry Cannons—perfect replicas of their infamously unreliable ice cream machines.

“We’ve always been committed to feeding the masses,” a McDonald’s spokesperson declared. “Now, we’re feeding the fires of war—and maybe, just maybe, some slightly melted McFlurries.”

The human workers will trade their fry baskets for 82-pound dessert-shooting monstrosities, designed to immobilize enemy combatants with sticky, semi-frozen chaos. Of course, like their restaurant counterparts, these McFlurry Cannons are prone to jamming at the worst possible moments, ensuring Hell’s trademark inefficiency remains proudly intact.

Policies under McDonald’s Leadership:

Automated Chaos:
1. All McDonald’s restaurants will be fully staffed by AI bots.

2. The only thing they’ll get right? Saying “I’m sorry, the ice cream machine is down” on an endless loop.

3. The McMilitia Initiative:
Former fry cooks and burger flippers are now soldiers in America’s most deliciously chaotic army. Armed with McFlurry Cannons, they will storm battlefields, shooting sugary slush at enemies and occasionally themselves. Soldiers are encouraged to yell “Would you like fries with that?” before every blast.

4. Revolutionizing Workplace Chaos:
The Department of Labor is rebranding Hell’s working class with bold new inefficiencies. Wages will now be paid in McCredits, redeemable only for half-empty drink cups and promotional toys from the early 2000s. Breaks? Only when the fryer explodes.

Ashford Cinderputin Reacts

Folks, I’ve seen a lot of appointments in my time—some wild, some ridiculous—but THIS? This is pure, unfiltered brilliance. McDonald’s as Secretary of Labor is the greasy heart of Hell’s ethos!

Think about it: an army of fry cooks turned soldiers, lugging around 82-pound McFlurry Cannons that jam more than a college radio station. Robots in the stores, burning burgers and messing up orders faster than Elon Musk can ruin a social media platform. THIS IS PROGRESS!

Sure, critics will whine about inefficiency or safety or the fact that you can’t pay rent with a McCredit, but let’s be honest—they’re just jealous they didn’t think of it first. McDonald’s isn’t just flipping burgers anymore; they’re flipping the script on what it means to labor in Hell.

I, for one, can’t wait to see the McMilitia in action. Until then, I’ll be at my local McInferno ordering fries and chaos to go. THIS IS PROGRESS!!”