HELL’S NEWSROOM EXCLUSIVE: LINDA MCMAHON BODYSLAMS EDUCATION INTO THE FUTURE

Ladies, gentlemen, and combustible curriculum enthusiasts, prepare yourselves for the educational overhaul of a lifetime! Linda McMahon, former WWE executive and current Secretary of Education, has ascended to new heights—literally and figuratively—with her groundbreaking initiative, Climb to the Top Education. This electrifying reform replaces dodgeball (yawn!) with WWE-style ladder matches and transforms dull classrooms into branded temples of chaos and capitalism.

Standing triumphantly atop a golden ladder at her announcement ceremony, McMahon proclaimed, “Education isn’t just about learning—it’s about entertainment! And nothing entertains like a good body slam.”

I mean, what’s left to say except: THIS. IS. PROGRESS!!

The pillars of McMahon’s educational vision are as bold as her sequined jumpsuit, and I, for one, am ready to enroll in this suplex-tacular future. Highlights include:

• Ladder Match P.E.: Forget gym shorts and three-legged races. Now, students will scale ladders in a no-holds-barred contest to retrieve their grades from the top rung. “If you can reach the top, you deserve an A,” McMahon explained, tossing a clipboard into the audience for dramatic effect.
• Corporate Sponsorship Takeover: Algebra is now Mountain Dew Math, biology is Amazon Prime Anatomy, and geography is proudly sponsored by DHL Express. Finally, Hell’s students will get the branding lessons they deserve!
• Cafeteria Tag Teams: Gone are the days of sitting quietly with a PB&J. Lunchtime will now feature mandatory tag-team wrestling matches to “build character and promote teamwork.” Picture this: friendship forged through body slams and elbow drops over pizza sticks. Beautiful.

Hell’s corporate elite has thrown their weight behind McMahon’s vision. DOGE Co-Commissioner Elon Musk applauded the initiative as “brilliant,” offering his AI fry bots to referee ladder matches with what he called “optimal fairness.” (A rare non-fumble for Musk, but don’t worry—I’ll find something to roast him for later.)

Meanwhile, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has proposed merging ladder matches with McFlurry Cannons to create “combat-ready scholars.” Yes, folks, our children will now be prepared for any battlefield, classroom, or buffet line.

Of course, some naysayers have dared to question the practicality of McMahon’s reforms. But in true McMahon fashion, those critics were promptly suplexed into silence—quite literally. During a post-announcement Q&A, McMahon demonstrated her vision by delivering a textbook-perfect powerbomb to a particularly mouthy reporter.

Her response? “Criticism is just an opportunity to climb higher,” she said, adjusting her championship belt with a smirk that could ignite a thousand wrestling rings.

Ashford Cinderputin Reacts

Folks, I’m going to level with you. As I sit here, surrounded by flaming teleprompters and smoldering chaos, I’ve never been prouder of Hell’s education system. Ladders? Wrestling? Branded classrooms? This isn’t just reform—it’s a cultural phenomenon!

Think about it: our kids will climb higher, fall harder, and learn faster. Sure, there may be the occasional sprained ankle or emotionally scarring cafeteria rivalry, but that’s the cost of progress! And let’s be honest—what’s a little bruising compared to the lifelong lesson of climbing the corporate ladder, both literally and figuratively?

In fact, I was so inspired by McMahon’s genius that I attempted a ladder climb live on air during today’s broadcast. True to form, I immediately plummeted into a pile of smoldering textbooks. But let me tell you, my friends, as I brushed the ash off my singed suit, one phrase rang loud and clear: THIS IS PROGRESS!!

So here’s to Linda McMahon, the undisputed heavyweight champion of educational reform. May her golden ladder shine brightly, and may Hell’s students rise—and occasionally fall—alongside it.

Ashford Cinderputin, signing off!